Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Opening? Closing? Leading?

At the beginning of this year my boss told me that he would like for me to gift him something in this new year...he wanted me to stop thinking, and just say okay when he asked me to do something. He said that he was always two steps ahead of me, and he just wants an okay. 

And I was hurt.

A few weeks ago my hours were dramatically cut at work. Everyone's hours were cut, but mine were cut twice as much as anyone else's.

And I was hurt.

I have wallowed in that hurt. Allowing Satan to whisper in my ear both that I'm not good enough and that I'm too good for this job. I have replayed the words in my head, hearing that I only think I'm smart, responding with thoughts of anger and a desire to cut him down to size, focusing on his errors. I have given in to anger and frustration. I have sat and calculated everyone's hours, kept track of how much more I work, focused on  my bitterness. 

I admit all of this because I aim to be honest here, on my blog. I aim to present a true picture of who I am, who God has saved, just who He is calling. I am not perfect. I am often angry and bitter and frustrated and arrogant and hurting.

Sunday, in church, our pastor spoke about our identity in Christ. But what spoke to me louder than his words, were the songs we sung in worship.

 Be Thou My Vision. 

This verse.... Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise, thou mine inheritance, now and always: Thou and Thou only, first in my heart, High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

My vision has been focused on me, again. I was striving for man's praise, when, even if I did receive it, all it would be was emptiness. I have struggled to find my identity in a job which I have known was only temporary, was stopgap given to me for a short period of time. I have allowed words spoken, not out of hatred or disgust, to reverberate in my mind. I have responded with pride and arrogance, chin lifted high. All along, what I needed to be focusing on was my Father. The praises of my God. 

I confessed to Him during worship that I had forgotten, once again. He whispered "I know". I told Him I was sorry. He whispered "Already forgiven". He whispered "I love you, my child". And my tears flowed. 

Why have I clung, in bitterness, to something which may simply be a door that God is closing so that I can walk through another door? 

Yesterday, in facebook conversation with my mother-in-law, I expressed how I so long to do God's will for my life, and how I have felt like my husband and I have been in a holding pattern for awhile, with God providing basic needs and prepping us for something, but how inpatient I am to discover what it is He is preparing us for. So much of the past year and a half has been "wait and see", and I want to see it already! I mentioned that I probably should focus on improving my spiritual life and keep waiting on Him.

And then today, for one of my graduate courses, I watched a presentation by Katie Brazelton. She's an author, life coach, etc. I actually read her Pathway to Purpose for Women book a handful of years ago and loved it so much that I bought the workbook to go with it and shared it with my mother. She was talking about Life Purpose Coaching: what it is, what it looks like, etc. And every word resonated within me. The talks we've been having about developing a program to help blended families navigate those difficult waters, the longing I've had my entire life to help others, the courses I've been taking on counseling others, the life experiences I've gone through which God has used to shape me for His future plan, the books I've read, the talents I possess, the desire of my heart to work with women, even my love for Bolivia and the ministry possibilities there (hello, the company is INTERNATIONAL)..all of it, being used in that manner, in helping others through Life Purpose Coaching. Katie Brazelton mentioned her Do-Be-Do life today what God is calling you to do today, be striving toward living a life of holiness, and then, when those two things are being done, God will reveal what you are to do with your life...His grand purpose for you. 

Could this be what I am being directed toward? There is training course and curriculum to go through to become a Life Purpose Coach. I have asked my mother-in-law to be in prayer in regards to that course and whether God is leading me there. I will ask my own mother to do the same. I will ask my husband to lift it before God as well. And I ask you, anyone who is reading this blog, to do the same. Tell me your thoughts of this ministry and how I might fit into it. 

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